Consent is Not Just Sexy, it's Mandatory

Consent is not just sexy, it is mandatory. While the phrase "consent is sexy" has become a cute saying to put on t-shirts and university websites since 2017, it is a dangerously flawed rally cry. It is ironic that something must be considered "sexy" for us to take note. Consent is not just about sex, after all. But not all schools have consent-literacy programs or sex education that includes sexual assault.

On one hand it is refreshing to talk about it, as consent is really about communicating, but on the other, there is misinformation about the depths of its meaning. Planned Parenthood took to Twitter to share the below infographic "I Love FRIES." Consent, they say, is Freely given, Reversible, Informed, Enthusiastic, and Specific.

The purpose of consent is to give someone the ability to decline participating if it makes them feel uncomfortable, whether it is physical touch or actions. While this is perhaps most important in sexual situations, consent is not limited to just the bedroom.

Why is Consent Important?

There are daily teachable moments where we can practice consent, even with children in an age-appropriate way. If a child says “stop” when they are being tickled, then it is a moment to teach that "no" means "no." If they see that relative who they no longer recognize, then you can let them know they are not obligated to hug anyone, even you.

And when "Sam I Am" tries to force food on you for the 3rd time, he is pushing boundaries. Children who understand consent are shown to feel empowered and confident making decisions about their own bodies, talking to adults about it, and understanding respect and boundaries. Of course, these lessons can all be applied later to sexual consent. But the foundation is crucial.

Informed Consent

As we get older and reach sexual maturity, it is our responsibility to inform ourselves of the dangers associated with sexual acts and the risks of participating. Not only using birth control or prophylactics or both, but also getting tested and going to the doctor or gynecologist.

Being informed means researching and asking questions, using common sense, and protecting yourself and your reputation. While you can send nudes to your partner and have car sex, you must also understand the risks like revenge porn and getting arrested with a record, for example.

Not all sexual acts are created equal. Even anal sex comes with hidden risks, so it is best to research before participating. You may be surprised what you find out about the kinds of lube to use! Additionally, do not assume your partner has done the research or knows what they are doing and take the time to have a real conversation about it.

In truth, this may feel more medical than sexy, but it is an important part of being informed in order to give full and enthusiastic consent. In other words, if it’s not a heck yes, then it’s a hell no. This is precisely why negotiations are so critical with regards to consent.

Negotiations

Negotiating sex with your partner means having the self-awareness to communicate boundaries and desires. Consent can be yes, or a willingness to try. It is best to communicate verbally until you know your partner's desires, limits, and body language.

Having these conversations beforehand can dramatically increase your pleasure during sexual activities. Continuing communication even during sex can be a form of consent. Letting your partner know you like what they are doing lets them know they can continue.

Being upfront about expectations like using protection, trauma responses to be aware of, and even basic likes and dislikes are all part of negotiating. You may have soft and hard limits, meaning some things you are willing to try and some you are not. You may also have things that you really enjoy and would like to include.

To some this may feel like foreplay because communication increases intimacy. Regardless, it makes for smoother sessions or scenes especially when you and your partner are trying something new. Always remember the hard truth that when someone ignores your boundaries, then you have found the place where their respect for you ends.