Beginner's Guide to Swinging

Many people have heard of swinging but may not be fully aware of what it means. Swinging is when a couple wants to have only sex with another person or people without disturbing their established relationship(s). This means that there are different limits and boundaries than other forms of non-monogamy because couples negotiate together, and then negotiate with other singles or couples as well. Because of this, finding a good fit can be more difficult.

The practice or lifestyle of swinging is ethical non-monogamy (ENM) because you are inviting another person(s) into the dynamic of your relationship for sex.  In that way, it differs from polyamory in that is just for sex, not a relationship or triad. To that end, showing affection while swinging is considered bad form. Some, to most of the time, long time swingers don’t understand polyamory. Swinging is distinctly different, to be fair, despite overlap into non-monogamy.  

Characteristically, swinging parties in the American 70's were private parties at someone’s home who was “in the lifestyle,” or a public club, where only other couples were invited. Now, however, there are additional ways to swing that will be discussed. The following is a guide to modern swinging. 

Safety and vetting

Most importantly, it is best practice to talk to your partner about why you want to swing, preferences, boundaries, and even consider consulting a sex therapist. Currently, there are a lot of clubs and ways to find couples online, and a bonus to that list would be Feeld. Lots of these sites are heavy on the couples looking for a threesome (third), so be conscientious of how you come across.

Online, safety is even more important to protect from catfishing, scams, and flakes. Whether online or in person, these same principles apply. When planning to have sex with someone outside your relationship, it is not usually just something that happens. There is, or should be, lots of communication upfront, and most people have a few nonsexual meet-ups to make sure everyone is on the same page and gets along. You don’t want someone unstable affecting your relationship’s stability.

Unicorns and Dragons

Unicorns are usually a bisexual womxn who joins as a third to an existing relationship. They are rare, and hard to find, as the name reflects. In some regions there is also a different name for the male counterpart, which is a dragon. Remember that unicorns and dragons are people too and do not exist solely for your pleasure. This mindset is the quickest way to halt further encounters. Threesomes are just one type of swinging, based on preference or experience.

Soft Swap, Full Swap, Group Sex

The other types of swinging include a soft swap, which means both couples are often in the same room, and no penetration. While this language is problematic in that penetration is still the center of sex, it functions in context to establish boundaries for the encounter.

A full swap, it follows, includes penetration. Lastly, group sex and orgies can be a part of the swinging lifestyle.

Private or public

In either private or public encounters, you and your partner have discussed the way you want to swing at this time. Boundaries and comfort can broaden, so make sure to revisit the topic when someone's desires change. Also, be sure to check in to guarantee swinging is still working well for your relationship.

If it is a private house party, vetting potential guests is the hosts' responsibility, especially if they don’t know the couple. Depending on the hosts, everyone may have to be tested to join.

If it is a threesome or a club, it is your responsibility to vet potential sex partners. In either case, you are also responsible for knowing the risks beyond an STI panel.

Public clubs do not have the same anonymity as a private party, so decide how much discretion you require.  Jealousy also hits in different ways. Be mindful of any substance intake that would alter your ability to consent to an encounter.

Always practice safer sex, but know that prophylactics aren’t a guarantee from skin to skin contact with herpes, for example. Lastly, be aware that the high will not last and you might be upset or off even days after. Just remember to be safe and have fun!